A few months ago, a friend came to me with a conference proposal. She had the title, the content and the research to back every point. What she lacked was experience speaking to a crowd. She had never stood in front of a large room, or really any room. The thought of stepping out of her comfort zone this far terrified her, so she asked me to present it for her.

I said no.

Why I Told My Friend No

I give the people I coach the same advice I give my kids, my family and my friends. Try the thing you’re afraid of.

Fear is healthy. It shows you where your limits might be. It sits right at the edge of what you already know, and the nervous feeling comes from whatever lies just past it. If you don’t know what’s out there, go find out.

Picture your first week at a new job. Nobody has told you where the supply closet is, who handles payroll or how your boss likes reports formatted. Every task takes longer than it should, and you feel a step behind all day. By week three, you’re the one showing the new hire around. The job didn’t change. You did, because you kept showing up while it still felt awkward.

Trying something new always comes with an uncomfortable stretch. We learn and we fall. Then we get up and try something else.

But what if you don’t fall? What if it goes fine, or you try it and love it? The odds of OK, or even great, beat the odds of a fall.

So I told my friend to submit the idea herself. The worst a conference can say is no, and asking would cost her nothing. At least she would know she tried.

Her real worry ran in the other direction. What if they loved the idea and wanted her to present it?

They did. Last week, she delivered her workshop to a room full of people.

Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone Doesn’t Make the Nerves Go Away

Was she a nervous wreck? Absolutely.

Speaking in front of a room is scary the first time. Seasoned speakers still feel the nerves, too. You’re also far from alone. The 2025 Chapman University Survey of American Fears found 33.7% of Americans are afraid or very afraid of public speaking. It ranked just behind a devastating hurricane.

I had promised my friend I would be in the room cheering if they picked her workshop. A friendly face always helps. Before the session, we did a short calming exercise because her nerves were trying to take over.

Next came the technology. Her computer wouldn’t connect to the screen for her slides. More anxiety. More breathing.

She opened nervous, holding tight to her notes to stay calm. Partway in, she stepped out from behind the podium and talked to the audience the way she talks with people every day.

A whole new person emerged.

She knew her topic front, back and sideways. Real stories from her own work tied the material to the audience’s jobs, so they could see the connection. Funny, knowledgeable and fully in command of her subject, she killed it. The audience walked away with information to help them, and she had her first workshop in the books.

Hooray!

Discomfort Is a Sign of Growth

Most of us read discomfort as a warning. Sweaty palms, a racing heart and a shaky voice feel like proof we’re in the wrong place. Research suggests the opposite.

UCLA psychologists Robert and Elizabeth Bjork have spent decades studying how people learn, and in 1994 they gave this idea a name: desirable difficulties. Their research shows learning sticks best when it’s a little harder than we expect. In the moment, the struggle feels slow and clumsy, and confidence lags behind. Over time, the lessons last longer because we had to work for them.

Remember the first week at a new job? The fumbling wasn’t a sign you were failing. The fumbling was the learning. Nobody masters a skill while it still feels easy.

My friend proved it in real time. The nerves she felt behind the podium were the same nerves she pushed through to find her voice. She didn’t wait for the fear to leave. She grew right through it.

The Bjorks also separate helpful difficulty from the overwhelming kind, and I agree with them. Nobody needs a conference stage every week. Growth comes from regular, manageable stretches, not constant strain.

What Stepping Out of Her Comfort Zone Gave Her

When it was over, she took a breath. She was proud of herself, as she should be. People came up afterward to thank her, and she was truly surprised.

Her surprise is part of the lesson. We spend so much energy bracing for the worst, we rarely plan for things going well.

Now she knows she can do it, and nobody can take it back. She learned how strong she is, how much she knows in her field and how much experience she has to share.

Stanford psychologist Albert Bandura would call this a mastery experience. His research found the most effective way to build belief in yourself is to take on something hard and get through it yourself. Encouragement from a friend helps. Watching someone else succeed helps, too. Neither works as well as doing it. I could have told her a hundred times she was capable. She had to stand up there to believe it.

Skipping the attempt tends to cost more. Cornell psychologist Tom Gilovich has studied regret for decades. In the short term, his research shows, we regret what we did. Over the long haul, the things we never tried stick with us longer.

Gilovich’s work points to a second truth. People are kinder than we expect, and they notice us far less than we think. The audience isn’t keeping score.

How to Step Out of Your Comfort Zone at Work and at Home

We so often avoid what makes us nervous or seems hard. For my friend, the mountain was a conference room. Seconds before she started talking, I know she thought she might pass out from the stress. She spoke anyway. I hope she knows how brave she was to face her fear and challenge herself in spite of everything.

Everyone has a mountain like hers. Most days, though, the climb is smaller. Each day brings a chance to try something new, to stop and listen instead of talking, or to speak up when silence feels safer. Small stretches count.

Here are five ways to take yours:

• Name your edge. Write down one thing you’ve been avoiding because it makes your stomach drop. Maybe it’s leading the Monday huddle, pitching an idea to your boss or asking for a raise. Be specific.
• Expect the awkward. When the nerves hit, treat them as proof you’re learning, not a signal to quit.
• Ask what the worst outcome really is. For my friend, the worst case was a polite no. Fear usually inflates the worst case.
• Bring a friendly face. Tell someone what you’re attempting and ask them to show up, in person or by text.
• Start before you feel ready. Gilovich’s research suggests inspiration comes from doing the thing, not from waiting for it.

Speaking up in meetings might be your mountain. If so, these practical ways to build confidence at work can help with the first step.

So, where will you get a little uncomfortable this week, at work or at home? Leaders who want to help their teams step past their own edge can book a conversation with me.

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